Friday, 16 January 2015
This morning I woke up feeling heavy and bloated. My stomach was cramping like crazy. I've been eating pretty well recently, so I was confused when I got on the scales and they confirmed that I'd put on 1lb. My first reaction was to get really upset. Why me? What have I done? I'm stupid, I must have caused this somehow. On and On I abused myself but the one thing I didn't do was accept, trust and let go.
One of the most important things I've learnt over the years is that thoughts create reality. Think you're a piece of shit? ZING! You're wish is granted and you'll feel like shit, look like shit and attract shit to your life. Thoughts are the most important thing to guard, without constant monitoring, thoughts can run riot through your system and before you know it you're way off track in every part of your life.
Once I realised I was beating myself up, I stopped and listened to every thought zooming through my head and guess what? It was all hurtful and nasty garbage. So I stopped it, there and then and imagined myself as a little girl. I would never shout at my daughters and call them fat, ugly, and stupid but I seem to find it acceptable to do it to myself. Using the image of a child as myself, lets me see myself as I really am. I'm worthy of love, as is everyone. I repeated a mantra "I Love Myself" over and over again. Even if I don't really believe it, I just keep doing it. It works. As soon as I trusted in the words, I began to let go and relax. Yes my body is unhappy but getting stressed and angry doesn't help it.
I started a bath, grabbed a good book, and let all the tension disappear. As soon as I relaxed, my body started to talk to me, and no I don't mean farting lol! I held my hand over my stomach and felt the spasms, it was IBS and one of the things that causes my IBS is stress and food allergies. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths and prayed for guidance and help. I trusted that all will be well, that I am safe. Stomach problems can manifest from feelings of fear, anxiety, stress. It isn't always what we eat that causes problems.
I am not responsible for everything that happens in my life but I constantly think I am. Letting go is something I have to do daily. I cannot control people, places, and things (although wouldn't it be cool if you could? I'd have my ex wearing a dress dancing in the street) and I'm not a superbeing. There is lots I can accomplish in a day but I don't have to do everything. Just because I can doesn't mean I have to. I write To Do lists and shedule my time to the last minute but that is me trying to control life. When I relax and let go, I accept that not everything on the list will be done and things crop up that take me completely off shedule. Life really is for living and part of living is learning to trust and let go.
So I accept today that I have gained 1lb, my IBS is flaring, and I'm scared to go back to Uni and I trust that all will be well and I let go of the pain, the disappointment and fear. I will love myself today and let myself be loved.
If like me you suffer from the need to control everything, just start the video at the top and sing your heart out with Elsa. Let it go, Let it gooooooooooo..... I think I made it rain lol
Thursday, 15 January 2015
I'm pretty busy lately with uni and home life. I didn't realise how stressful the transition from full time Mom to part time Mom/full time student would be. I'm finding it hard to fit everything in.
My course has been going well so far with good results but I really haven't found my feet on the creative writing side. I love writing but this course has sucked away everything I love about writing. I feel constrained by all the rules of what I can and can't write. That's why halfway through the first semester I decided to switch to BA Creative Writing and English Literature. I'm loving the literature side and can't wait to get to class but when Tuesday rolls around I just feel miserable. How can something I love so much, make me so unhappy? I'm toying with the idea of changing to English Literature only next year. I just think I suit that course better.
My fitness has taken a dive too, I have put all the weight I lost back on. I was so disappointed when I hit the scales but I'm back on track and exercising every day. I got a Fitbit for Christmas and I'm walking 10K steps a day. It's actually quite hard to do, I didn't realise how sedentary I was. I've been running three times a week but my knee gave way this week so I'm giving it a rest this week but I'll be back out on the trails next week. There's a canal by Uni that I fancy exploring and it's a way to reduce stress between lectures and study sessions. I've started strength training again too. I've lost lots of strength in my arms but my legs are still strong as ever. I'm still keeping up the weekly swims with the kids. I really do love being in the pool. I just need to take it slow and try not to do too much, too soon.
One of the biggest changes I'm having to deal with is having no time to read. I feel like I never read anymore and it's true. I read for uni but I rarely read for pleasure. Over the Christmas holidays I've been trying to catch up with reading but the course textbooks have took up all my time. Can I just say that Hard Times by Charles Dickens is the worst book I've ever read?! Actually no, 50 Shades was slightly worse but that's by the by. I still haven't finished Hard Times and I've been reading it for two weeks. I can't believe I have to spend six weeks analyzing it when I get back to Uni. If I'm not back on here soon, assume I've jumped off the roof at Uni. Roni Loren's new book Nothing Between Us has been keeping me sane though. God I love her books. She really knows how to turn on the emotion. This book is super hot so far, I just wish I had more time to read it.
Just read back through and this update sounds rather depresssing but it's not really. I am happy, happier than I've been in years and I feel I've finally found myself. I'm just exhausted that's all and that in itself isn't a bad thing, It just means I'm doing something with my life.
Signing off till I have something remotely interesting to report. Love and warmth to all xxx
Tuesday, 15 July 2014
Anyway to get to the point, for months I've been fighting my agoraphobia and anxiety to go out and meet people. At first it was utterly terrifying and after an hour I'd would to run home and hide in my bedroom where I felt safe but gradually things changed and I made friends. I joined a knitting group and learned to crochet and knit, while making new friends at the same time. This group above all others was a stepping stone to helping me feel confident in society again. With this new found confidence, I enrolled for a sewing class at college and made more friends. My confidence level kept going up each step, then I got the flu.
The flu knocked me for six and scrambled my brains but what it did do is force me to be in bed and so I started reading again. In the two weeks I was sick I read numerous books and it brought back the writing bug. As soon as I got better I started writing again, nothing special but little bits and bobs. My anxiety and depression fought to keep me miserable, so I decided to take up running again. Running instantly helped, when I run my problems can't follow me, It's just me, my dog and nature. I joined a mental health group which was good to talk about my problems and they told me a about a local writing group.
I now attend the writing group every week and I love it. It's the kick I needed to believe in myself. The people are lovely and the stories and poems they create are amazing. Whilst chatting to a lad there, he mentioned that he had just graduated from a creative writing degree, he told me all about it and I was fascinated. He said he didn't have the grades from school to get on the course so he did a course called Step Up to HE. I went home straight after the group and rang Staffordshire Uni and enquirer about Step Up and Creative Writing. A week later I had an interview and a week after that I was on the course.
I've just finished the 6 week fast track course and I'm waiting for my results. I got a First for my first assignment, so I'm quietly confident. I never thought I'd feel this confident with studying again. The course really helped me build my confidence, slowly easing me back into academic writing.
Whilst on the course I applied for the Creative Writing BA and I was accepted! *huge grin* I can't believe it, I want to pinch myself. I'm going to be studying a degree, which is what I've wanted to do for years and in a subject I love. I'm beyond thrilled. The great thing is, there is lots of support for students with mental illness, so I don't have to worry about that at least. So come September, I'm going to be a student. Hopefully that means I'll have lots to post here.
So that's where I've been and what I've been up to for the last year. Hope you forgive me for my absence.
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
After much umming and ahhing I've decided to leave Facebook. Most would assume I do this because I spend to much time on it but it was the opposite.I only really logged on to see funny pictures and catch up with a few friends
Nosy acquaintances and old school friends I didn't have the heart to unfriend, drove me mad too. I blocked quite a few but more kept popping up. I just don't have time for their drama, I have enough drama in my life as it is.
So goodbye Facebook, I won't miss you because I have been having an affair with Twitter for years now and it's better in bed than you!
Monday, 8 October 2012
Today I decided to dust off the laptop and use it for something other than checking Twitter and looking at cat pictures.
I first had to find the file that held my novel. This may sound simple but I found 18 files with the same name and various contents. After an hour of searching for bits and bobs I lost the will to live. When I opened the proper file, I found some of it missing so I had to rewrite it to make it fit a scene I'd wrote to go with the missing scene. By the end of all that I wanted to scream, bang my head against the wall, then eat all the chocolate in the local shop.
Writing isn't always easy, sometimes it's like trying to put an octopus into a string bag. Today I'd rather have done that, pass me the octopus please.
Saturday, 30 June 2012
I couldn't even last a bloody week. I'm useless. In my defense, it has been a really stressful week and I needed someone to talk to.
My Nan has gone to my brother's house, so that's one stressor gone. My daughter is feeling better after having tonsililitis and that means more sleep thank god. Teen has been grounded due to getting drunk with his friends the other night, he's now my bitch for a week and I have no housework. Things are really looking up.
On the creative side, I've got didly squat done. I did manage to get some research done and I thought about doing a rewrite on my erotic romance but I've changed my mind. I'll worry about sex scenes in the edit when I'm finished.The laptop battery has died today so I need a new one, I wish I just had my own laptop, I'm sick of having to wrestle it off the kids. Hopefully after holiday I can afford one.
Anyway I'm ready to relax with a good book. I really hope one day someone will relax with mine.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
I'm sat here wondering if I could possibly get the funds to bugger off to a deserted island. Family huh?! You can't kill them, you have to suffer them or move to Antarctica (Suffering it is, I bloody hate the cold).
My Nan is visiting for few days and already I've lost the will to live. Her words words were "What date did your mom die?". It kinda went downhill from there. It's been four years since my mom died but it's all she seems to want to talk about. It's sad my mom died but it's life, I get upset sometimes but she seems to go on and on. I know she's lonely but she has tonnes of friends and family down there and she's always on holiday. I can't fill my mom's shoes, nobody can, she was a beacon of fun and madness. My Nan needs to accept her death and move on, I have.
It drives me crazy when she invites herself up for a week, I get precious little time to myself as it is. I then have to cook, clean and entertain for someone who doesn't appreciate it and puts me down. I got the "when are you going to lose weight?" question again. I often feel like saying never, to see the sour look I'd get.
I'm meeting her tomorrow to go clothes shopping, which is a close second to having bamboo shoved under my fingernails. I'm praying time will go fast.